Marsha GillWho We Become When We’re Asked to Be Two Things at Once
Series: What Was Inherited — A Chapter-by-Chapter Healing Read
Book: The Vanishing Half
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Where We Are in the Story (So We’re Grounded Together)
In chapter two, we’re still in the early years—before the big choices, before the consequences are fully visible—but long after the patterns have begun to settle in.
Stella and Desiree are growing up in the same house, with the same mother, in the same town. On the surface, nothing looks dramatically different. But underneath, each daughter is already learning something distinct about what it takes to belong.
This chapter isn’t driven by action. It’s shaped by atmosphere.
What’s allowed. What’s discouraged. What gets noticed. What gets ignored.
As a mother–daughter coach, this is where I slow way down because this is the stage where daughters begin learning who they are allowed to be in a relationship.
What This Chapter Is Really About
If chapter one is about running, chapter two is about splitting.
Not physically but internally.
This is the chapter where we begin to see how identity doesn’t just form naturally. It forms in response to pressure. To expectation. To safety. And when daughters sense that love, approval, or protection comes with conditions, identity begins to divide quietly.
And when daughters sense that love, approval, or protection comes with conditions, identity begins to divide quietly.
No announcement. No drama. Just adaptation.
What Stirred Me in This Chapter
What stayed with me most wasn’t what the twins did but how differently they experienced the same environment. Same mother. Same home. Same town. And yet two very different responses. This happens often. One daughter becomes more alert, more watchful, more willing to adjust herself to fit what’s expected. The other leans toward resistance, naming discomfort, pushing against limits, refusing to disappear quietly. That contrast felt deeply familiar.
Because so many daughters learn early that when the world or the family feels unsafe, there are usually two options:
- Adapt
- Or push back
Neither is wrong. Both are strategies. But both come with a cost.
What This Reveals About Emotional Inheritance
Chapter two shows us something important: emotional inheritance does not land the same way in every daughter. Two daughters can grow up in the same emotional climate and still take in very different messages.
One becomes:
- The good one
- The flexible one
- The one who doesn’t need much
The other becomes:
- The outspoken one
- The difficult one
- The one who refuses to comply
Both are responding to the same unspoken truth: It’s not fully safe to be all of who I am here. This is where so many adult daughters struggle later on, especially amongst sisters.
“Why did she leave?”
“Why did I stay?”
“Why do I feel like I carried more?”
This chapter reminds us: difference doesn’t mean damage. It often means different survival strategies.
The Split Between Safety and Visibility
One of the quiet tensions in this chapter is the growing awareness that being seen can be risky. We can relate, can’t we?
To be visible can mean:
- Being judged
- Being corrected
- Being policed
- Being misunderstood
So one daughter learns to read the room before speaking. The other learns to challenge what doesn’t sit right.
Many women learned early:
- If I’m agreeable, I’m safer.
- If I speak up, I might lose connection.
So identity begins to split between two needs: I want to be myself… I want to stay safe and most daughters learned very early which one their environment rewarded.
A Mother–Daughter Undercurrent We Can’t Ignore
This chapter also reinforces something subtle but powerful: Adele’s emotional world shapes how both daughters form their sense of self. Adele’s love is consistent but contained. Protective but not expansive. There isn’t much room for emotional exploration, only for endurance. So the daughters respond differently:
- One adapts inwardly
- One reacts outwardly
Neither response is wrong. Both are shaped by emotional scarcity. And this is important to name, because many daughters internalize these coping styles as personality, never realizing they were first responses to what wasn’t available.
When Identity Becomes a Role
Chapter two quietly asks us to consider something many women haven’t questioned: When did adaptation stop being a strategy and start becoming who I think I am?
This shows up for daughters who became:
- The responsible one
- The emotional manager
- The strong one
- The one who didn’t need much
Those roles often began as love. As loyalty. As protection. But over time, they can become limiting, especially when no one ever asked what it cost the daughter to carry them.
The Cost of Carrying Two Selves
The cost of carrying two selves is that living split takes energy. It takes a lot of emotional labor.
It looks like:
- Being one way at home and another everywhere else
- Knowing how to adjust instantly
- Feeling tired without knowing why
- Being successful but not fully known
Chapter two helps us see how early that exhaustion can begin, not because something is wrong with us, but because holding multiple selves is work. Eventually, the body asks for wholeness.
A Gentle Reflection for You
As you sit with this chapter, consider these questions slowly:
- Where did you learn to adjust who you were in order to stay connected or safe?
- Which version of you was praised and which one learned to stay quiet?
- What might it look like to let those parts of you exist together instead of competing?
There’s nothing to fix here. Just notice.
Awareness is the beginning of integration.
If You Want to Read Along
If this chapter stirred something, you’re invited to keep reading with us. You can find The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett on Amazon HERE. Read gently. Pay attention to what resonates—and what resists.
Both are teachers.
As We Continue the Series
Chapter two reminds us that identity forms in relationship especially in mother–daughter dynamics.
Up next, we’ll explore what happens when early identity choices follow us into adulthood, shaping what we believe we’re allowed to want, say, and become.
We’re not choosing between versions of ourselves.
We’re reclaiming wholeness.
And we’ll keep walking that path—chapter by chapter 🌿
