Marsha GillThe hubby and me stopped by Academy Sports the other day. I was looking for some ankle weights and wanted to stop in to see what they had. To our surprise, the parking lot was packed, more traffic than expected, and when we got in the store was busy for a Sunday. We both looked around, and the clothing and shoes were everywhere. Both of us were like, well, darn, wondered what’s going on…then it hit us…oh, oh it’s back-to-school shopping.
So, it’s that time of the year. Sales, shopping lists, trying on shoes, clothes, school supplies, and grabbing back-to-school deals. Let’s talk about it—the back-to-school season ain’t just about new notebooks and tighter schedules. It’s also when a lot of moms start asking: “Why is she so moody?” “Oh, she done lost her mind, did I just get an eye roll?” or “How do I talk to her without it turning into a standoff?”
If that’s you, take a deep breath, Sis. You’re not alone.
This season brings up a lot—for our daughters and for us as moms. There’s pressure, change, and that push-pull between needing independence and still craving connection (even if she’d never admit it out loud).
I know what you’re thinking, how in the world is she craving connection when all we do is fight? I get it, and I saw this dynamic so much in private practice. Mothers and their young daughters, couples, and mothers and adult daughter couples. It was a mother-daughter couple who got me started in this business. So here’s what I know for sure after years of counseling and coaching women through this:
The more you know yourself, the better you show up for your daughter.
Seriously. That’s the key to moving from eye rolls to real connection. So let’s talk about a few simple tools that can help you start the school year off in sync—with her and with yourself.
7 Back-to-School Connection Tools for Moms and Their Teenage Daughters
1. Check in with YOU first
When your daughter’s acting distant, irritated, or just different… take a pause. Ask yourself, “What’s coming up for me right now?” Sometimes it’s not about what she said, but what it triggered in you.
Maybe it’s that familiar sting of feeling dismissed. Maybe it reminds you of how your own mother used to snap or shut down when you tried to speak up. Maybe her attitude pokes at that little girl in you who always had to keep the peace.
This moment? It might look like it’s about her, but often it’s about what she’s touching in you—old patterns, unhealed wounds, or beliefs about respect, control, or worthiness that you’ve been carrying for years.
That’s why in coaching, we always start with you. Because when you’re grounded, you can handle the hard moments with more clarity—and less chaos.
When you can slow down and understand your own emotional triggers, you stop reacting on autopilot. You stop parenting from fear or frustration. And you start responding from a place of groundedness, grace, and clarity.
When you’re centered, you can hold space for your daughter’s big emotions (and believe you me, they will be big) without letting them knock you off balance. Get curious instead of critical. Soft instead of sharp. And connected instead of constantly on edge.
Listen, this is the deep work—and it’s what transforms the relationship from power struggle to partnership.
2. Don’t just listen—really hear her
You’ve been a teenage girl before. We all know that teen girls want to feel seen. Not fixed. Not lectured. Definitely NOT compared to who you were at 15. Just heard.
Practice this: “That sounds like it was a lot today. Want to vent, or just decompress?” That small shift opens the door for trust. And trust is the foundation of connection.
3. Breathe before you react
Teenage energy can be a lot. One minute, they want to cuddle; the next, you’re getting the silent treatment. When it gets tense, don’t jump in with a correction—step back and breathe. Give yourself space to respond, not react. There’s a difference. Learning to pause is powerful. Try this: I need a minute, we’ll talk about it later. I can remember growing up, and my mother would go silent. As a child, I had no idea what that meant. I’d like to say that she was taking a break to breathe, but it felt like the silent treatment or emotional withdrawal, which was a generational pattern for the women in my family. See how that works. Sharing, “I need a minute, we’ll talk about it later,” can make a huge difference. It lets your daughter know that you’re not shutting down but taking a pause. It lets you parent from purpose, not pressure.
4. Bring her into your world, too
You don’t have to be perfect. Say that out loud with me… I don’t have to be perfect. Capes down! Let her see your humanness, your personhood. Share a story from your own teen years, something you struggled with, something you learned (age-appropriate, of course). When you do this, you’re modeling honesty, you’re modeling vulnerability, and resilience—without even having to make it a “thing” or a “teaching moment.”
5. Let the quiet moments matter
It doesn’t always have to be deep. Ride in the car quietly together. Grab a snack. Watch a show. Sit on the porch. Connection happens in the ordinary when you stop trying to force the extraordinary. Teen girls feel safest when they don’t feel pressured to perform or explain.
6. Heal your Inner Daughter
So, I finally watched Wicked. It was a good movie! But, ya’ll, I had no idea that it was part I. Somebody should have told me. What was your favorite part? Glinda and her hair-tossing moment had ya girl rolling. But honestly, I loved it when Elphaba’s inner daughter showed up as she’s falling, OMG! I get chills just thinking about it. Healing your inner daughter runs deep, and she will show up in every area of our lives. If you were the responsible one, the quiet one, or the one who didn’t get to express herself growing up… your daughter might unintentionally bump up against some of those old stories. That’s why I bring Inner Daughter work into my coaching. Because when you understand the younger version of yourself, you show up for your daughter with more compassion and less control.
7. Make eye contact when it counts
When she does look at you—especially during those soft, in-between moments—don’t rush it. Let your eyes say: “I see you. I respect you. I love who you’re becoming.” You don’t need a big speech. Just presence.
As we settle into this new school year—with new routines, fresh challenges, and shifting dynamics—it’s easy to feel the pressure to get everything right. To say the perfect thing. To keep the peace. To do it all.
But mama, let’s pause for a second.
Give the Gift of Intention
Give yourself grace. You’re learning and growing, too. Every season of motherhood brings new lessons, even when your daughter is no longer little. Some days may feel like progress, and others might just stir up frustration or doubt. That’s okay.
Give your daughter space. She’s growing, changing, stretching into her own identity—and that’s a good thing, even when it’s uncomfortable to witness. Her pull for independence isn’t rejection; it’s part of becoming.
And give your relationship the gift of intention. Be curious, not just corrective. Be present, even if she doesn’t always open up. Be consistent, even when it feels one-sided. You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to be a perfect mom. You just have to be willing to grow. Willing to see her for who she is now. Willing to see yourself, too. That willingness… that’s where transformation begins, not just in your relationship but for transformation in the women in your generational family.
Want to go deeper?
I help women untangle the emotional knots that keep showing up in their relationship with their daughters, starting with the stories we’ve carried since childhood. If you’re ready to parent from a place of clarity, not confusion, let’s talk.
Schedule your free 30-minute Clarity Call and let’s figure out how to shift from walking on eggshells to showing up with confidence and connection.
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