Family gatherings can be tough when you’re healing mother wounds. I’m already talking this through with many of my clients. The holidays are coming, and while some folks are already thinking about Thanksgiving menus, Christmas decorations, matching pajamas, and who’s bringing the mac and cheese, others are thinking about something entirely different.….how am I going to make it through another family gathering without losing my peace? Maybe you’re already thinking about that one family member who always has something to say.
I’ve been there. You know the one. The auntie who asks questions that are none of her business. The sibling who knows exactly which buttons to push. Or the mother who can make one little comment, and suddenly you’re feeling like you’re 12 years old again. And let’s not forget the family member who says something hurtful and then follows it up with, “Girl, I was just joking. You’re too sensitive.”
And not because you don’t love your family. You’re thinking about the questions you don’t want to answer, the comments you know are coming, the family member who always seems to push your buttons, or the mother-daughter relationship that still feels complicated. Maybe you’re already rehearsing conversations in your head. Maybe you’re already preparing to have the talk with your mother. What if Mom brings that up again? How do I tell everyone you’re not coming this year? What if someone makes a comment about my weight, my marriage, my parenting, or my life choices? How do I protect my peace without hurting everybody’s feelings? Sound familiar?
Oh really, this is what we’re doing?
Now, don’t get me wrong. You love your family. You may even look forward to seeing them. But you also know that family gatherings can bring up some old feelings, familiar frustrations, and relationship patterns you thought you’d moved past. And if you’ve been doing the work to heal your mother wounds, learning to set boundaries, or finding your voice, the holidays can feel like a pop quiz you didn’t know you were taking.
Here’s what I want you to know. You can be doing some really good healing work and still get activated by your family. That doesn’t mean you’ve gone backward. It doesn’t mean the work isn’t working. It just means you’re human. So, before you start packing your bags, planning the menu, or preparing yourself for another round of family togetherness, let’s talk about how to navigate the holidays a little differently this year. I’m talking about how to pack your patience for more than holiday travel.
1. Don’t Be Surprised When Your Old Family Role Shows Up
Have you ever noticed how you can be a grown woman with your own home, career, family, and responsibilities, but the minute you walk into your childhood home, everybody starts treating you like the same person you’ve always been? If you’re the responsible daughter, guess who’s expected to organize everything? If you’re the peacemaker, guess who’s expected to smooth things over when somebody gets upset? If you’re the one who always helps, everybody just assumes you’ll handle it. And before you know it, you’re right back in that familiar role.
I know a little something about this. As the oldest and only daughter, I learned early how to be responsible and made sure things got done. Being dependable became part of who I believed I had to be. And while responsibility is a wonderful quality, somewhere along the way, I learned to put my own needs on the back burner. That didn’t magically disappear when I became an adult.
I had to learn that just because Icould do something didn’t mean I always had to. And that’s something I want you to think about this holiday season. Just because your family expects you to play a certain role doesn’t mean you have to keep playing it. Maybe this year you don’t volunteer to cook half the Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe you let somebody else organize Christmas.
Maybe you stop trying to manage everybody’s feelings when there’s tension in the room. And maybe, just maybe, you sit down and actually enjoy yourself without feeling guilty. Imagine that!
Here’s a question worth sitting with:
Who do I become when I’m around my family, and is that who I want to be today?
2. Let’s Talk About Those Holiday Boundaries
Now, I know the word boundaries can make some folks uncomfortable. Especially if you grew up in a family where saying no was considered disrespectful. You didn’t question adults. You didn’t talk back. You didn’t tell Mama what you were or weren’t going to do. You just did it. And for many women, those lessons followed us right into adulthood. So now, even though you’re a grown woman, telling your mother you’re not coming for Thanksgiving can feel like you’re breaking some unwritten family law. You start explaining. Then you explain some more. Then you feel guilty.
And before you know it, you’ve agreed to something you really didn’t want to do. Sound familiar? Here’s something I’ve had to learn, and I share it with the women I coach:
Boundaries aren’t about being mean, selfish, or disrespectful. They’re about being honest about what you need and what you can reasonably give.
And they don’t have to turn into a big family announcement.
Sometimes it’s as simple as:
- Mom, we’re going to spend Christmas morning at home this year, but we’ll come by in the afternoon.
- I appreciate you thinking of me, but I won’t be able to host Thanksgiving.”
- I’d rather not talk about my relationship right now.
- I know you have your opinion, but I’m comfortable with my decision.
- I’m going to step away from this conversation for a little while.
That’s it. No five-minute explanation. No PowerPoint presentation. No convincing everybody that your boundary makes sense. Now, will everybody be happy about it? Heck no. And that’s where the real work begins. Because sometimes the hardest part of setting a boundary isn’t saying it. It’s learning to tolerate someone else’s disappointment without rushing to fix it.
You can be loving and still say no.
You can speak truth with grace.
You can love and respect your mother and still make your own decisions.
3. Stop Going Into the Holidays Hoping Everybody Will Finally Be Different
Okay, let’s talk about something that can quietly set us up for disappointment. Expectations. Lower the bar. Every year you hope this will finally be the holiday when your mother really listens to you. Or your sister stops making everything about her little. Or everybody gets along without somebody bringing up something that happened 15 years ago. And listen, there’s nothing wrong with hoping things will be different. But sometimes we walk into family gatherings expecting people to suddenly have emotional skills they’ve never demonstrated. We want Mama to validate our feelings when she’s spent most of her life avoiding emotional conversations because she was never taught what to do or say. We want that critical relative to suddenly become encouraging.
We want the family member who never apologizes for anything to finally acknowledge what happened. And when they don’t, we leave feeling disappointed all over again. One of the things I talk about often in healing mother wounds is learning to see our mothers and families as they are, not only as we wish they could be. That doesn’t mean we stop hoping for growth.And it certainly doesn’t mean we excuse hurtful behavior. It just means we stop making our emotional well-being dependent on somebody else becoming a different person.
Your mother might still struggle to talk about feelings. Your family might still avoid uncomfortable conversations. Your relative still might have something to say about everything. You don’t have to like it. You can’t contol none of this. What you can control is that you can prepare for what you already know instead of being surprised by the same pattern every year.
Ask yourself:
Am I going into this gathering hoping to enjoy the time we have together, or am I hoping somebody will finally give me something I’ve been longing for? That’s an important distinction.
4. When Somebody Pushes That Button, You Don’t Have to Push Back
Let’s paint a picture. You’re sitting around the table, enjoying your food, minding your own business. Then you hear: You sure you need another piece of pie? Or maybe your mother says, Well, you weren’t raised that way. Or somebody brings up that old family story you’ve heard a hundred times, the one that’s never been funny to you. And just like that, something shifts.
Your shoulders tighten.
Your stomach drops.
You feel yourself getting irritated.
And now you’re trying to decide whether to say something, shut down, or leave altogether. Ever been there? Here’s what I want you to understand. Sometimes the comment itself isn’t the whole story. It may touch an old experience of being criticized, dismissed, embarrassed, or made to feel like you weren’t good enough. That’s why a comment that seems small to someone else can feel so big to you. When that happens, instead of immediately reacting, I want you to try something I teach in my coaching work.
Pause. Trace. Reframe.
Pause: Before you respond, notice what’s happening inside you. Am I angry? Embarrassed? Hurt? Feeling dismissed? Take a breath. You don’t have to respond to everything immediately.
Trace: Ask yourself what this feeling reminds you of. Have I felt this way before? Is this touching an old wound? Am I reacting only to what’s happening now, or is there something deeper?
Reframe: Remind yourself that you have choices.
You might say, “I’d rather not discuss that.”
You might change the subject.
You might step outside for a few minutes.
Or you might decide that the comment doesn’t deserve any more of your energy.
And here’s the beauty of healing. You don’t have to respond the way you’ve always responded just because somebody behaves the way they’ve always behaved.
That’s growth.
5. You Can Love Your Mother and Still Have Complicated Feelings About Her
I really want to spend a little time here because the holidays can bring up a lot for adult daughters. Especially when you’re working through emotional wounds connected to your mother.
Maybe your mother was a good provider. She made sure you had food, clothes, a roof over your head, and everything you needed for school. She showed up in the ways she knew how.
And you appreciate that. But maybe she wasn’t comfortable talking about feelings. Maybe when you were hurt, you were told to stop crying. Maybe when you tried to explain how something affected you, she reminded you of everything she’d done for you. Or maybe she simply didn’t know how to offer the emotional connection you needed. Now you’re an adult, and you’re trying to make sense of those experiences while still maintaining a relationship with her. That can be complicated. And during the holidays, those feelings may show up when you least expect them.
You may genuinely enjoy sitting at the table with your mother while also feeling sad about the emotional closeness you’ve never quite experienced. You may appreciate her sacrifices while wishing she’d been more emotionally available. You may love her deeply and still need boundaries.
You don’t have to choose between gratitude and grief. There’s room for both. And here’s something else worth considering. Your mother has a story, too. Maybe she grew up in a home where nobody talked about emotions. Maybe survival, hard work, and responsibility were the priorities. Understanding her story doesn’t erase yours. But it may help you approach the relationship with a little more curiosity and a little less judgment. And sometimes that curiosity creates room for a different kind of conversation. Not necessarily at Thanksgiving dinner, though!
Some conversations deserve their own time and space, not an audience of 15 relatives passing the dressing.
6. You Don’t Have to Attend Every Argument You’re Invited To
Can we agree that some family conversations just aren’t worth it? You know the ones. The same disagreements. The same opinions. The same people trying to convince everybody else they’re right. And before you know it, somebody’s upset, somebody’s offended, and the whole room is uncomfortable.
You don’t have to participate in every conversation just because somebody starts one.
You can disagree without arguing. You can listen without defending yourself. You can say, “We see that differently,” and leave it there. And if the conversation starts becoming disrespectful, you can excuse yourself. Now, I want to be clear. I’m not suggesting you ignore every difficult conversation or pretend everything is fine. Healthy relationships sometimes require uncomfortable conversations. But timing matters. And not every family gathering is the right place to work through years of unresolved hurt. Sometimes the healthiest choice is to enjoy the moment and revisit the issue privately another day. You’re not responsible for making everybody behave peacefully. You’re responsible for your part. And that’s enough.
7. It’s Okay If Your Holidays Look Different This Year
Some of us have been doing the holidays the same way for so long that we never stop to ask whether those traditions still work for us. Maybe you’ve always hosted Thanksgiving. Maybe everybody expects you to travel. Maybe you spend the entire holiday running from one house to another trying to make sure nobody feels left out. And by the time it’s over, you’re exhausted.
What would the holidays look like if you gave yourself permission to do what works for your family and your emotional well-being?
This could be you:
Host a smaller dinner.
Visit for a few hours instead of spending the entire day.
You and your family take a trip.
You decide to stay home, cook your favorite meal, and enjoy a quiet Christmas.
Or maybe you’re in a season where being around certain family members isn’t emotionally safe, and you need some distance. That doesn’t mean you don’t value family. It means you’re learning to recognize what you need in this season of your life. And sometimes that means creating new traditions. You can appreciate the memories you’ve made while giving yourself permission to make some new ones.
8. Have a Plan Before You Walk Through the Door
Now, I’m not suggesting you show up at Thanksgiving with a notebook full of prepared responses for everybody. Although, depending on the family, I can understand the temptation!
But I do believe a little emotional preparation can make a big difference in learning how to cope ahead. Before your next family gathering, take a few minutes and ask yourself:
What usually gets under my skin?
Is it unsolicited advice? Comparisons? Criticism? Feeling like nobody listens?
What am I willing to participate in this year?
Maybe you’re willing to help prepare dinner, but not take responsibility for the entire event. Maybe you’re open to spending time together, but you’re not discussing your marriage or finances.
What will I do if I start feeling overwhelmed?
Can you take a short walk? Step outside? Have a private conversation with someone you trust? Leave earlier than planned?
And here’s one more question I don’t want you to overlook: What am I looking forward to?
Sometimes when we’ve experienced difficult family relationships, we become so focused on what might go wrong that we forget to make room for what could go right.
You love hearing your grandmother’s stories. You enjoy cooking with your mother. You look forward to laughing with your cousins. You enjoy playing games. My cousin has claimed my husband as her forever game partner. Maybe there are traditions that genuinely bring you joy. Don’t let your healing journey become so focused on the pain that you overlook the good. There’s room for both.
When the Holidays Are Over, Please Give Yourself Some Grace
Let’s say Thanksgiving comes and goes. You get home, change into your comfortable clothes, sit down on the couch, and start replaying everything.
I should’ve said something. Why did I let her get to me? I thought I was past this. Why do I still feel guilty? Sound familiar?
Before you start beating yourself up, I want you to remember something. Healing isn’t about getting every response right. It’s about becoming more aware of yourself and learning to respond differently over time.
This might look like you handled one conversation really well. You recognized a trigger before it turned into an argument. You said no without offering a ten-minute explanation. You didn’t handle something the way you wanted to. You can learn from that, too.
And if you need to apologize or repair a conversation, you can do that without condemning yourself. Growth doesn’t require perfection. It requires honesty, willingness, and a whole lot of grace.
This Holiday Season, Gift Yourself Permission to Show Up Differently
As we head into the holidays, I want to leave you with this.
You don’t have to wait for your mother, your siblings, or your entire family to change before you start making healthier choices for yourself.
You can love your family and still set boundaries.
You can appreciate your upbringing while acknowledging what was missing.
You can enjoy family traditions without feeling obligated to repeat every one of them.
And you can choose not to participate in old patterns, even when everybody else is still doing what they’ve always done.
Maybe this year your healing looks like speaking up.
Maybe it looks like saying no.
Maybe it looks like having a difficult but loving conversation.
Maybe it looks like staying for two hours instead of six.
Or maybe it looks like sitting around the table, enjoying your food, and realizing that the comment that would’ve ruined your whole day a few years ago doesn’t have the same hold on you anymore.
Now, that’s growth.
And remember, the goal isn’t to have a picture-perfect holiday or a picture-perfect family.
The goal is to show up with more awareness, more intention, and more compassion for yourself and others.
Because you’re still growing.
You’re still healing.
You’re still becoming.
And so am I.
A Little Encouragement for Your Healing Journey
If you’ve been doing the work to understand your mother wounds, recognize emotional patterns, and stop carrying things that were never yours to carry, I want to encourage you to keep going.
Healing doesn’t happen overnight, and it certainly doesn’t happen just because we decide we’re going to do things differently.
It’s a journey of learning, unlearning, and sometimes learning the same lesson in a new way.
That’s part of why I wrote Still Becoming: A 60-Day Journey to Trust God, Heal Emotional Patterns, and Be Who He Created You to Be.
Through scripture, honest reflection, prayer, and practical action, this devotional invites you to slow down, look beneath the surface, and allow God to work in the places where old patterns have taken root.
And as you prepare for the holidays, remember this:
You don’t have to be perfect to make healthier choices. You can begin right where you are.
To learn more about my book, coaching services, and resources for your healing journey, visit www.marshadgill.com.
